The Infallible Rating System

Not all sandwiches are created equal. There is a hierarchy in the world of the 'wich which is definite, measurable and inescapable - anyone tells you different is covering for their sorry slop of a PB&J hidden shamefully in their back pocket.

In our quest for the world's finest sandwich, we've embraced the many rungs of the ladder that need be climbed to earn a berth in the great double-decker kingdom in the sky. Every submarine, carefully constructed to the most exacting of standards, is judged against an impeccable and infallible set of criteria to ensure the highest quality hoagie possible. What are these standards, you anxiously query (fearing the obvious inferiority of your toasty track-record)? Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!
  1. THE BREAD
  2. THE MEAT
  3. THE REST
  4. THE OVERALL GUT-BUSTING DELISIOSITY
  5. THE OUTLANDISHNESS
In every category, the sandwich is judged on a scale of five according to a list of beers that reflect our awesome taste in suds.

5/5 There are few worldly ideals worth aspiring to that are greater to taste a sweet sip of Arrogant Bastard Ale, graciously brewed by StoneBrew. Pour a dram of this down your undeserving gullet and you'll understand why it is the pinnacle of sandwich production.

4/5 Anything by Montreal brewer Unibroue seems to have been touched by the divine hand of the Earl of Sandwich himself, and so it is that the second place prize for sandwich excellent receives commendation to the tune of their delicious brewing exploits.



3/5 Everyone likes Keiths. Just as everyone likes a sandwich. But no one aspires to be liked by everyone. The crowds loved the BeeGees. And Cher. Play and safe and you get awarded with mediocrity. The true pioneer aims further than the pleasantly enjoyable.
2/5 The equivalent of sticking your tongue to a frozen pole. It takes patience to extricate yourself and your not really sure whether you've learned anything at the end of it.
1/5 You certainly ain't lucky to find a hoagie with this rating in your hands. In fact, if you're willing to eat a sandwich so labelled, expect it to match in flavour and delight what you'd be spewing into your toilet after a hard night on this stuff. Still, you don't hit the big leagues without spending time in the gutter. Aim high, and you too might get lucky with your next ESP.







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